And it's winter again. A lovely day of snow, gentle, steady, falling snow.
the view beyond our untrimmed hedges to the sloping field beyond
a drawing I did this morning of a sweet little vintage ceramic figure
evolved into several drawings of tots
that each had a personality of their own
I let them evolve as they came into various characters
amused by their similarities and differences
I've been thinking a lot about the confusion I've been experiencing of late. After listening to several lectures on youtube and TED about the pitfalls of too much choice like paralysis and even depression, I've realized that, poor little rich girl that I am, I,too, have a wealth of time and options. I have veered off the path of joy, questioning my uninformed choices. At first, I thought I needed more education, perhaps classes in media and more profound art instruction. But I know in my heart that that would take the joy out of creating for me. Then I thought what I need to do is narrow in on a personal iconography, or a style that was unique to me as so many artists I admire seem to have. I've struggled with this rock of a question like Atlas, always finding myself at the bottom of the hill again.
It occurred to me today that, while so many kind advisors in my past have told me I'm over-thinking this, it is more that I want an answer so badly that I forget to "walk away" i.e. leave the issue to put something new into the mix, even if it's just house-cleaning. Grappling with the issue of finding my new place in art has been like I'm wrestling with happiness. I forgot that famous saying that I believe I've used in a previous post:
“Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you” Nathaniel Hawthorne
Pursuing this butterfly of creative choice has exhausted me. Today I finally threw up my hands and walked away from my "work". When I think how fast the inspiration came back to me, I find an ironic inward smile and realize, like Dorothy come back from Oz, that I've found that inner compass that will guide me home, through the dark jungle of self-judgement and the paralysis of not knowing which way to turn.
I share this with you on the chance that my own experience may help. It's not like I didn't know this all along, but that I had to come back to the same lesson down another road. How obvious it is in retrospect that I was not being gentle with myself. A step back, another focus, and magicly the pieces fall into place... I have some ideas I want to pursue and now I think I know how.